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By John Hilton, Sentinel Reporter, February 26, 2007

Last updated: Monday, February 26, 2007 10:06 AM EST

Bob Dole is not running for president in 2008.

“I take my inspiration from W.C. Fields,” Dole told a Dickinson College crowd Sunday night. “He said, ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. Don’t be a damn fool about it.’”

Dole, who was originally scheduled to appear last Sunday before he fell ill, headlined Dickinson College’s 44th annual Public Affairs Symposium, which debated the impact of humor in America. Although the event was sold out, poor weather was likely to blame for the dozens of empty seats in the top rows of the Anita Tuvin Schlecter auditorium.

One presidential campaign — and 35-plus years in Congress — provided Dole, 83, with more than enough material for the topic. He weaved encounters with Monica Lewinsky, Winston Churchill and Sen. Mark Hatfield into stories about humor, integrity and leadership.

Dole’s speech, “Laughing (Almost) All the Way to the White House,” was based on his book of the same title. He also wrote a second book titled “Great Presidential Wit... I Wish I Was in the Book: A Collection of Humorous Anecdotes and Quotations.”

In the former book, Dole recounted his favorite anecdote, which is said to have taken place during a spirited argument between Nancy Astor — the first woman elected to Britain’s House of Commons — and Prime Minister Winston Churchill:

“She finally turned to him and said, ‘Winston, if you were my husband, I’d poison your coffee,’” Dole recounted. “And he said, ‘If you were my wife, I’d drink it.’”

Funny presidents

In his second book, Dole ranks the presidents on the funny scale — with Abraham Lincoln ranked first and Millard Fillmore last. Late friend Ronald Reagan came in second.

“Reagan... had this way of poking fun at himself,” Dole said. “He got a lot of things done and got a lot of votes from both parties because of his personality.”

Dole learned the lessons well. He is a talk show favorite for his storytelling manner and ability to make jokes — often at his own expense.

Crowds spur joke

Following his defeat at the hands of former president Bill Clinton in 1996, the Doles were relaxing in their Watergate apartment one evening when the media surrounded the building, Dole recalled.

“I said, ‘Elizabeth, there’s been a recount!’” Dole said to laughs.

Not exactly. The media was camped out to catch a glimpse of Monica Lewinsky, who had an apartment next door to the Doles.

“You had to walk by her door to get to ours,” Dole said of Clinton’s paramour. “But you had to be careful. If you even looked like you were looking at her door, you’d get subpoenaed by (Clinton prosecutor) Ken Starr.”

Dole couldn’t resist adding his own spin on the most famous line from the Clinton-Lewinsky episode:

“I did not have...” he said, pausing for the laughter, “conversations with that woman.”

‘Best friends’

Dole said he is “best friends” with Clinton these days. The two worked together to raise funds for the victims of the 9/11 attacks.

The atmosphere in Washington, D.C., is poisoned by too many partisan politicians eager for face time on the Sunday talk shows, Dole said. Honor and integrity are in short supply, he added.

He recalled an extraordinary vote taken by the Republican Hatfield in 1995. Then-majority leader of the Senate, Dole needed 67 votes to pass a historic balanced budget amendment. The bill would have altered the way the federal government spends money, possibly putting key social programs at risk of unpredictable cuts.

With 66 votes in hand — including every other Senate Republican — Dole courted Hatfield heavily, to no avail.

“Sen. Hatfield came to me and said... ‘I’ll resign if it’ll help you out of this situation.’” Dole recalled. “I never spent one minute on that suggestion. but it was sincere. There’s a man of conviction.”