TodayCovering that last milestone: The sleepover
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I thought I knew all the parenting milestones – first tooth, first step, first day of school and, somewhere waaaaay down the line, first date.
I was wrong. There is another one, the first sleepover, and that day has almost arrived for my 3-year-old son, Eli. He’s been invited to spend the night at a friend’s house.
My first reaction was elation – maybe I can get some work done at night instead of getting him “just one more cup of water!” That quickly turned to guilt – how can I be happy about my little boy spending a night away? Then to wistfulness – is he really old enough to do this?
And then to fear – how will he do at another family’s house? Will he miss me and his dad? Will he be frightened if he wakes up in a strange house the middle of the night? Will I be frightened if I wake up in an Eli-less house in the middle of the night?
Since my slumber party days are well behind me, I realized it was time for a crash course on sleepover etiquette. So I consulted Kristi Alexander, Ph.D., an associate professor in the clinical Ph.D. program at San Diego’s Alliant International University. She’s addressed questions about child sleepovers on parentcenter.com.
She admitted that she has some reservations about non-family sleepovers for kids under age 5 – she thinks these kids are just too young. But should my husband and I choose to ignore that advice, it’s best to prepare our son as well as possible for what will be an unfamiliar and potentially frightening situation.
“I often suggest to parents that preschool is too early for spending the night, but that if their kid really wants to for whatever reason, that they have a ‘spend the evening’ where a child does everything but sleep over,” Alexander suggests. “Parents can come pick up the kid when it’s bedtime at the friend’s house.”
The success of the outing will depend partly on how comfortable your child is with the other family.
“A child who separates easily and well, who has an established relationship with the friend’s parents, will probably be okay,” Alexander says. “For example, if your child spends a good deal of her playtime with a neighbor child and has frequent positive interactions with that child’s parents, she could probably have a sleep over successfully.”
We’re aces there. Eli has been hanging out with his friend’s parents and sisters all summer while their dads play softball together. He’s driven in a car with them and eaten ice cream alongside them, which in Eli world is akin to becoming blood brothers.
Still, it’s probably wise to talk to the other kid’s parents about the sleepover even if you’re best of friends. Even my best friend doesn’t know the details of Eli’s nightly routine, since every kid is different. What’s acceptable at our house (going to bed with the lights on) may not be at others’.
There are other factors to consider as well. If your child is a bed wetter, for example, you should discuss it with the other parents ahead of time so that they are ready to deal with a potential accident, avoiding any embarrassment for your children or inappropriate responses on their end.
And make sure that your child understands what’s going on as well. Though it may sound exciting to spend the night at someone else’s house, “when the lights go down, it’s a whole different story,” Alexander cautions. “Of course, talking to kids about anything new is a good idea. Likewise, filling the other parents in on your child’s particulars is a great idea.”
I remember the occasional pang of homesickness during my first sleepovers, the minutes after the lights went out and before I’d drifted off in my sleeping bag, wondering what my mom and dad and sister were doing at home and whether my friend had any monsters under her bed.
So I’m taking Alexander’s last piece of advice to heart. If it doesn’t work out this time, there will be other chances to redo this “first,” unlike that first tooth or first step.
“I would also suggest that preschool sleepovers be in close enough proximity so that parents aren’t too put out when they need to go pick up their progeny at 2 a.m.,” she says.
Toni Fitzgerald is the mother of one. She welcomes questions for future parenting columns about kids, families and staying sane in the presence of both. You can contact her at tonifitz@yahoo.com
